Master Chief  Letters From Stasis
by Kyia.L.Kenobi
Summary: Was originally just a resignation letter, but after I wrote it I realised he had a few more in him. So here it is, ranty Spartan letters to everyone from Cortana to Injury Lawyers for You. Please RNR
1. Chapter 1

Master Chief

A Stasis Pod

The Rear End of Dawn

Deep Space

CH2 6NH

02/10/2553

To All You Assholes at UNSC!,

I quit. Yes this is Master Chief Petty Officer John-117 telling you where you can stick that plasma grenade.

I've served with you for, well since I was a kid and now I've had enough. All I want to do is have a day off to get my hair cut so I can take my helmet off in front of the other troops. I can't even get a medal without having to go and take out some grunts.

I've missed all the episodes of Glee. I'll never find out if Rachel and Finn get together now. Its not like I can even find time to go out and get the box set with all this extra Red Vs Blue filming you've got me doing. How is male pregnancy good for team morale. I ask you?

What I wouldn't give for a CSI marathon and some poptarts. What do you have to do in this universe to get a poptart? I'll ask Johnson. He'll know. He managed to get hold of those Pizza flavoured Pringles, although he did have a funny walk for days afterwards. Anyway, the point is this job is not worth it anymore.

I used to like driving the warthogs, but since you wont let me out without at least two other guys, its clear you don't trust me with them anymore. And I cant take a Scorpion out without at least five people? What's with that? Cant a Spartan have a little joyride down to the shops without all the judging?

Plus I didn't want to bring it up, but Cortana is getting a little clingy. When I told her that we should see other people she got really mad and started screaming in my face everytime the software in my helmet loaded up. Its kinda hard to do your job and shoot stuff, hell even see where you're going when you've got a mad psychotic obsessed ex girlfriend shouting. Just the usual stuff, how I never kept my promises, never appreciated her, forgot her birthday, things like that. I really don't think Its healthy for her to be working so closely with me anymore. I think she's losing it.

And the rest of the Forces are useless. I'm sick of being the only one who can actually complete a mission or not die. I can't in all good conscious be a part of a fighting unit that sucks so badly. If some of the other soldiers could shoot straight then maybe, just maybe, I might been able to take trip to Disneyland in the last ten years but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

So here it is. I'm handing in my notice. As soon as you assholes find me and wake me up I'm gonna go off and be a Aerobics instructor.

Yours sincerely

Master chief Petty Officer John 117


	2. Jane Fonda wants me Badddddddddddd

Master Chief

A Stasis Pod

The Rear End of Dawn

Deep Space

CH2 6NH

03/10/2553

To Jane Fonda,

Hi Jane. I would like to join your team of highly qualified aerobics instructors. Although I have no previous experience, or qualifications I think I would be amazing, especially if you needed someone for a new workout video.

Up until now I have been working for the UNSC defending the galaxy from the Covenant, the Flood and the extinction of all human life from these stupid rings. I ask you. WHO'S bright idea was that? I know the Flood are a pain in the ass I'm pretty sure an ancient weapon of lots of big ass guns would have worked just as well as wiping out all existence. I like guns, but I understand if you don't want me to include them in my exercise routines. I have a big stash of energy swords for the kids.

In my line of work I run through forests a lot, although for a really good cardio workout I like to be shooting at Covenant snipers whilst I do it. Can't ignore the other 'guns' can we. Biceps need love too.

I can do some killer jumps as well, although I still have a long way to go to catch up to the Arbitor. But he's not interested in doing a workout video with me. I did ask. He says when he gets out he's going to support Tom Jones in Vegas. That's one lucky demon.

Obviously being an aerobics instructor is not just about being a awesome specimen of physical perfection. (And I am. Under my armour you can't even see my beer belly). I know you have to be great with people. I'm used to having a team of men under my command on a daily basis. And some of them even live!

I am available for interview as soon as I am rescued from this Stasis Pod in deep space. I'm pretty certain you'll still be alive by then since I read you were pickled back in 1997.

Yours sincerely

Your Biggest Fan

Master chief Petty Officer John 117


	3. Am dumping your ass

Master Chief

A Stasis Pod

The Rear End of Dawn

Deep Space

CH2 6NH

04/10/2553

Dearest Sugar Puff,

I know we've been seeing each other for a while now. Cortana, no one was more surprised than me than when a quick fling on that Pillar of Autumn's Paintball Extreme team building holiday turned out to be long term thing. To be honest I was pretty much gonna dump you as soon as I captured the blue team's flag, but somehow you managed to get in my head.

After that, we were inseparable.

I appreciated you forgiving me when I had that guilty affair with Spark. It didn't mean anything. Plus he had this strange S&M obsession which disturbed me slightly. But it did show that our relationship has real problems.

In short Cortana. I'm dumping your ass.

You're too clingy. I can't go anywhere without you or you turn into this insane psychotic beast. I think you should seek psychiatric help, or better yet Jeremy Kyle.

That man would tell you that once in a while it is okay to let the man give directions! I'm not an idiot, It wasn't like I was the only Spartan to get through the training because the others all ate the slightly off mackerel at the graduation ceremony and died of food poisoning! I can read a map you know! I don't need your whiny voice in my ear going "Are you sure we shouldn't have gone left at the burnt out Banshee?"

Windows and Linux was also covered in basic training. Control alt del blah blah blah One in a while will you not hog the computer. I can't take it anymore. Why do you have to be so controlling? Is it a short woman thing? Like a Napoleon complex for girls. Or are you still annoyed you got your ST tropez light golden bronze mixed up with the Arbiter's anti fungal spray and ended up blue?

Either way, I won't be your emotional punch bag anymore Cortana. Plus I sorta fancy Keyes.

Yours sincerely

Your Ex Snuggle Bum


	4. This pod sucks

Master Chief

A Stasis Pod

The Rear End of Dawn

Deep Space

CH2 6NH

05/10/2553

To The Manufacturers of This Stasis Pod,

Now, I'm not a scientific genius. I leave that to the geeks in the white coats. I do consider myself to have a iq higher than that of the average cougar. Is it me or should I not be able to be sitting here writing a letter on this wonderful winnie the poo stationary when the green light above the pod shows I should clearly be well...static? Isn't that the point of stasis? You don't move you don't age you don't get REALLY BORED!

Eye spy can only get you so far in one of these pods.

I've done impressions of the Arbiter singing Elvis, which kept me amused for about a week to be honest. I might have to record A Little Less Spartan Laser a Little more Action when I get out of here.

But what really actually worries me slightly is the fact that if this thing is broken if they don't find me soon then they could be rescuing a very old Spartan. I'd like to see them call me up to get them out of the you know what then! Sorry what? You're surrounded by three hundred Hunters? Can't hear you, bit deaf in that ear you know. Ohhhhh this weather's playing havoc with the hinge on my helmet. Am so glad I've resigned.

Plus when you were designing this thing, did you not think to put in a pillow? No wonder they always make me do those stupid neck exercises afterwards. Look up, look down. These things are soooo uncomfortable. You'd have thought that someone somewhere would have considered a person spending hundreds of years in here would not want to come out looking like the hunchback of Notre Dame. I'm sending you the bill for all the acupuncture and aromatherapy its going to take to realign my spine and chi.

Yours sincerely

Master chief Petty Officer John 117


	5. Yes! I've suffered a accident or injury!

Master Chief

A Stasis Pod

The Rear End of Dawn

Deep Space

CH2 6NH

07/10/2553

To Injury Lawyers For You,

I saw your advert. YES! I have suffered a accident or injury at work! To be honest there's been a few. I feel my employers do not really have a duty of care towards their staff. In particular me. I think my boss has it in for me. They keep putting me in situations that could lead to my brutal and bloody death. All because of this one thing at a Christmas party which Johnson started. And I was drunk. Luckily the ferret lived.

Anyway you asked for details of particular incidents so I will give you a couple

This one time I was asked to carry out a assault on a fortress and all I had was this rubbish plasma pistol. In your advert with the guy with the ladder and he goes on about not having the proper equipment I think he was one lucky guy. He only had to fit an alarm. He did not have to make it to the map room with no back up and one rubbish gun. I'd have taken his broken hand for almost dying lots any day. I'm glad that someone out there finally will support me and help me get the compensation that I rightly deserve!

On another occasion we had to walk to a enemy camp up a stream and there were absolutely NO wet floor signs anywhere. There was a river and any of my men could have not seen it and slipped over or fallen and broken their wrist or anything. I value my men. It pains me that my employer put them at such risk when a few small signs could have saved them so much pain and hardship. As it happened they all died later in the firefight.

In another case this ship exploded and there were absolutely no warning signs anywhere. I had to rely on my ex girlfriend screaming in my ear to know to get out. And the exits weren't clearly marked either. In fact the ODST's in particular have complained that this administration does not properly label its facilities, or hazards. Its only a matter of time before someone has a nasty accident. Please sue my boss and get me a big fat load of cash so I can go to Disneyland. Cheers.

Yours sincerely

Master chief Petty Officer John 117


	6. SJP

Master Chief

A Stasis Pod

The Rear End of Dawn

Deep Space

CH2 6NH

11/10/2553

Dear Sarah Jessica Parker,

Stuck in a Stasis Pod floating in a mysterious distant part of the universe far away from any contact with mankind, I could not fail to miss trailers for the latest Sex in the City Movie.

One question has been bothering me in particular. How do you manage to shop all day in those heels? My metal armoured boots kill me by the time I have walked from one end of Valhalla to the other, just because the bad guys decided to set up camp at the OTHER fortress. My heels chaff and crack. My toes ache. As for the balls of my feet, well...I've tried those party feet things but they're useless, unless I've run out of grenades. They throw pretty well.

The ODST's have even more trouble than I do as they have to do a lot more walking in their line of work. I always thought that was a bit harsh, to be thrown out of a plane, then told to walk for three miles. I guess that's what happens when you let Easy Jet run your ops.

Anyway SJP, can you give me any handy hints and tips to keep my feet nice and soft. I go for regular pedicures. If only I could march around in a pair of loafers, but sadly the silky soft lining seems to mess with my shielding.

Yours sincerely

Master chief Petty Officer John 117


	7. This mongoose SUCKS!

Master Chief

A Stasis Pod

The Rear End of Dawn

Deep Space

CH2 6NH

12/10/2553

To The Inventor of the Mongoose.

Why? Just why? So many whys.

First why the random name. It hardly puts fear into the hearts of our enemies does it. The Covenant has awesome names for their things, WRAITH! That sounds scary. GHOST...ohhhhhh spooky SPIKER...ouch that's gonna hurt. Plasma pistol. Okay not so much that one, but you get my drift. You could have put a bit more effort into it. I suggest renaming the Mongoose to one of the following AWESOME-A-TRON, MEGAWHEELS, or my personal favourite... QUADBIKE. If you use one let me know, as I would like a cut of the royalties.

Having used one out in the field I have noticed that it has to fundamental flaws which make it impractical for use in the UNSC. The first is the fact that it is impossible to carry a passenger without looking gay. In a prominently male fighting force this can cause all sorts of problems, particularly in the showers later.

The other is that the moment you step on a Mongoose you're liable to get beat down. I ask you, Mr Genius, what is the point in designing a vehicle that doesn't protect my face. These people have no respect for the publicity shots I have to do later. I cant very well turn up to my photo shoot for xboxlive weekly with a cracked helmet. Imagine the headlines! These paparazzi are animals.

Amongst solving these problems I would also appreciate it if you could add cup holders, a decent radio (as the current one only picks up UNSC team talk channels and I need something to drown out Cortana's whining), and some killer rims.

Yours sincerely

Master chief Petty Officer John 117


	8. Three red lights!

Master Chief

A Stasis Pod

The Rear End of Dawn

Deep Space

CH2 6NH

14/10/2553

Dear Microsoft Customer Services,

As you are aware this wonderful Spartan Armour you so thoughtfully designed for me, (current specs including easy to use radar, link up to the UNSC, my own customisable avatar, facebook and not at all annoying regular updates every three milliseconds) has been malfunctioning for a while.

To start off with it was little things. People not dying when I had clearly just shot them in the head, three times, with a Spartan laser. But we all have off days with our aim right?

Then warthogs started disappearing and reappearing for no apparent reason. Could it be a new M. Shamlyayayayayay-whats-his-face movie being filmed in Valhalla? I got all excited and put on my 'I see dead people' T-shirt. I trundled the grasslands but Bruce Willis was not to be found. A warthog however did reappear and run me over.

More worryingly are these blackouts I seem to be having. Like someone has hit me in the head from behind, but I'm pretty certain there's no one there. I saw a doctor, I had the CAT scans but apparently these are not symptoms of some form of cancer or epilepsy. I even let some weird doctor shove his hand up my you know what just to check. But I'm in perfect health. Its your sodding suit.

THEN to top it all. These three red lights on the front of my suit, like some big red rainbow of death. Now its totally screwed.

I did everything the manual said with my suit, I didn't walk on carpeted surfaces to prevent overheating. I didn't pile rubbish and plastic game cases on my head. I didn't insert toast in my disc reader in my arm, honest. And if I did I used the button to close it rather than pushing it shut. SO WHY DO I HAVE THESE LIGHTS FLASHING IN FRONT OF MY FACE?

Plus now I cant move. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to post myself to you when I don't have power to move. I didn't even know they did six foot jiffy bags, they best not ignore the do not bend signs this time. I don't want a repeat of last year.

Yours sincerely

Master chief Petty Officer John 117


	9. Santa baby

Master Chief

A Stasis Pod

The Rear End of Dawn

Deep Space

CH2 6NH

18/10/2553

Dear Santa,

I know its a little early for Christmas; but since the decorations at the UNSC gift shop have been up since mid June, and I KNOW how long it takes to fill out those pesky requisition forms, I thought I would do you a favour by sending in my list a bit early.

I've been a very good Spartan this year and not shot too many of my own team. Well on purpose. I did shoot Johnson in the leg that time, but I blame that on the Mojitos the night before. He screams like a Grunt and hungover its easy an easy mistake to make.

Anyway I would like.

A fire extinguisher. I do like playing with the flame throwers especially at Christmas, but it does itch slightly when I accidently set myself and the table centre piece on fire. The Arbiter's threatening not to invite me for Christmas Dinner this year and I can't have that! He's doing a Gordon Ramsay Christmas! No one can spit roast a turkey like the Arbiter. And his stuffing is positively fabulous.

A puppy. All the best people have a dog. The guy from Fable got one, why can't I? Nooooooooooooo. I have to put up with a mentally unstable computer sprite. She's rubbish. She's not fluffy or cute. She's never pleased to see me. I just get some smart ass comment, which is why I had to dump her backside. She just plain refuses to fetch my slippers, or even a stick. I have a big electrical scar on my you know what from the whole episode when I tried to teach her to beg. Cortana was useless as a side kick. I WANT A PUPPY. If you could get me K9 from Doctor Who that would be awesome as a metal puppy would be less likely to die from excessive grenades.

Poptarts. What does a guy have to do in this universe to get a poptart? Have you tried the rations in the med packs? Horrible. These things may not restore my shield but Oreo flavouring is awesome. And it comes in little silver packs so I can eat beat down Brutes at the same time!

My very own Needler! I keep getting saddled with the same crappy battle rifle on all these missions. The Arbiter gets all the good stuff, Needlers, Spikers, more plasma grenades than you can stick to some REALLY BIG. ITS NOT FAIR. Just because he has a 'special relationship' with the guy in requisitions he gets all the good guns. Well I want one. And I want it engraved too!

Some Socks. I really need some more socks.

Yours sincerely

Master chief Petty Officer John 117


	10. Cortana, pick up your DAMN STUFF!

Master Chief

A Stasis Pod

The Rear End of Dawn

Deep Space

CH2 6NH

19/10/2553

Dearest Sugar Puff,

You left some of your shit in my stasis pod. Now that we are no longer seeing each other I feel that it is no longer necessary for what little space I have to be taken up with your chick stuff.

I know you're probably angry I've replaced you with a Sat Nav with a Mr T voice mode, and so soon after the break up. I'm sorry Cortana but its more functional and comes with less jibba-jabba.

If your Paramore cds aren't here by the time you come round its not my fault.. Johnson's been eyeing them up. The UNSC is already aware he has issues with self harming and guy-liner. Personally I think the purple nail varnish rather suits him.

Your Ghost Whisperer boxsets are cluttering up my lavatory. I'm running dangerously low on toilet roll. I'm currently weighing up getting shards of dvd in my ass and the benefit to humanity destroying the last remaining copy. Get here fast if you want it.

I would also like to point out you still haven't paid me back those eight hundred microsoft points you borrowed. I know you just HAD to have your very own the force unleashed special edition darkside lightsabre, but a debt's a debt.

I'm keeping that gravity hammer that we stole from the Guardian Pub, but you can have the ashtray that we took at the same time. God we were wasted that night. Cortana,

you should have listened to the Arbiter when he said that sambucca burns when shot through the eyeball. How you snuck that hammer out down your bra I'll never know. We found the ashtray four days later, remember? Good times.

Yours sincerely, please pick up your shit.

Your Ex Snuggle Bum

PS Can I have my razor back as have been shaving with my energy sword and its killing the battery.


	11. How to look good naked

Author's Note - apologies to all you yanks out there, as is not a very u.s friendly entry. But I couldnt help myself. If you're not clued up on british tv then How to Look Good Naked is a make over show that makes people more confident by making them get naked in front of a live audience. Its good to be British!

Cheers for all the reviews so far. Master chief does take requests so if you have anyone you want him to harass let me know and I'll see what I can do

Master Chief

A Stasis Pod

The Rear End of Dawn

Deep Space

CH2 6NH

20/10/2553

Dear Gok Wan,

It would be my dearest wish to be on How To Look Good Naked. I've seen the miracles that you work with a oversided clutch bag and some chunky jewellery and wish that I could look as good as the people in your show.

You see, for the longest time, I've had issues with my body. My least favourite part of myself is my hair. I've had this 70s mullet and mutton chops for as long as I can remember. I don't dare take my helmet off in front of the other troops because I'm scared that they will laugh at it. I'm scared that they will call me horrible names like BeeGee Boy and Ron Burgundy. I know I should have sorted it out, but with saving the galaxy and rescuing my ex girlfriend every two days I've just been too busy.

And as for my wardrobe. The only thing I feel comfortable in is this green armour combo. Sometimes I branch out to other colours, red and blue. But these are only on the days when I'm filming. I'm not really sure it does anything for my skin tone. The Fable guy mocks me with his fabulous wardrobe, his waif like thighs. It makes me want to cry. The armour isn't very slimming. The Arbiter keeps suggesting that I should try jazzing it up with a wide belt to draw attention to my slim waist. He is a sweetie, but I'm not sure I've got the confidence to pull it off. On the upside, it would be a useful place to keep extra ammo for my assault rifle. My allies get rather annoyed when I let them die just so I can steal theirs. Keyes lectures me all the time about the senseless waste of human life. Just because I sort of let her father die. He should have never cheated against me in that poker game, that's all I'm saying.

Anyway, I really hope you can help me get my confidence back, so I could be brave enough to do that naked photo shoot and runway. Because although I am a lean mean killing machine, I want to feel like I can carry off a array of stunning swimwear.

I know you are the person to get me out of this suit

Yours sincerely

Master chief Petty Officer John 117


	12. I hate the Fable Guy

Master Chief

A Stasis Pod

The Rear End of Dawn

Deep Space

CH2 6NH

21/10/2553

To The Fable Guy,

I hate you. No, I really really hate you. Don't think you're gonna get any pity from me just because someone shot your sister. I don't give a rats ass that you're deaf either. All that signing crap is just to get sympathy, you attention seeking bastard. Whine Whine Whine, moan moan moan. Flipping people off is the same in any language dude. I'd have like to have seen you survive the four day recreational team building Spartan training course! Making that furniture tower was hell on earth.

Stupid arse, wandering around like you own the place making everyone call you stupid names. Your name's LARRY. Deal with it! You don't see me bitching that my name is John do you? Despite the fact when someone shouts 'Hey John' about five million other dudes raise their heads. I've taken to letting all the Johns die in combat just to avoid confusion. Most of the squad have changed their names to Ali just to appease me.

And who in Bungie did you have to screw to get a prostitute! The closest I get is a grunt in a bra. My last girlfriend was pixels for God's sake. And you blagged a dog one of those dogs for the deaf as well. Honestly, state handouts. And when I think of the things I had to do to get a decent gun. To get hold of a shot gun, well it's best not written down, but lets just say I couldn't sit down for a week. And you get pie. I hope you get fat. I'd like to see you take on three Hunters with a plasma pistol. What do you shoot down, oh Gargoyles that give you a pretty nasty telling off. OOOOOOHHHHH.

No wonder you have so much time to get your hair done and shop. How many times have you been to disneyland this year?

I hate you Fable guy I really hate you. I hope you accidently shoot yourself with your own crossbow.

Yours with a BOOM – HEAD SHOT!

Master chief Petty Officer John 117


	13. Keyes You can't prove a thing!

Master Chief

A Stasis Pod

The Rear End of Dawn

Deep Space

CH2 6NH

22/10/2553

Dear Miranda,

Errrrrr sorry about your dad. I did enjoy the little party we had after his funeral since I got to kill lots of grunts and stuff. Although I never did get my sodding medal. The lack of gratitude in the UNSC is unbelievable. When my mate Chewie saved the galaxy he got swat as well.

Anyway. I know he was big on the outdoors and camping and stuff. He was always going on about tying knots. I hear the Keyes loop is great for putting up a washing line.

I know this is probably a bad time to bring this up since, you know, I'm still covered in the flood goo from his decaying corpse. But before he died he owed me eight hundred microsoft points. Okay technically if he was alive I know he'd bitch about this. He cheated at that game of poker. The Arbiter caught him with the jack of spades down his trousers, when he went for a pee afterwards. I want my damn points back!

Oh in case you hadn't heard I'm single now. Since I hear your now officially eighteen and have your own ship. If you wanna go out sometime that would be awesome.

Oh and if anyone says that I stood and watched shouting 'go flood go' with red and white pom poms, whilst your daddy was being attacked by those horrible mean Flood bad guys...well the Arbiters a lying bastard. Plus his hershy sucks.

Yours sincerely

Master chief Petty Officer John 117


	14. Halo 4, Can I really be bothered?

Master Chief

A Stasis Pod

The Rear End of Dawn

Deep Space

CH2 6NH

31/08/2554

Dear Bungie,

I'm glad you've finally decided think about waking me up, but if you think that wench screaming in my ear is going to get me out of bed then you've got another think coming. Sorry, I want another five minutes, some coffee, a dippy egg with some soldiers. That's the toast kind, not the useless marine kind.

Oh and what the hell have you done with my threads. I'm definitely not moving from this pod without my Calvin Klein cod piece. Have you ever been shot down there? Well it hurts, and its kind of embarrasing. That's how Johnson got his nickname. His real name is George Burnstein, so personally I think we did him a favour that night we pinned him down and shot him in the groin with a Needler. It swelled up to six times its normal size and with all the blood rushing down there he fainted, well that and the pain.

Anyway Bungie, you get the picture, I'm not saving the universe from funny coloured aliens unless I'm fully dressed. Plus I don't trust Cortana with me being all half naked. She'll be all vulnerable since I've just dumped her, and she can get kind of crazy.

Oh and what ever happened to that idea about making a movie of my high school years. I loved She's All That and I've got a letter from Zac Efron that says he would totally play me. I'll post you my high school year book and then we can talk terms.

Yours sincerely

Master chief Petty Officer John 117


	15. I WANNA PLAY FIFA!

Master Chief

A Stasis Pod

The Rear End of Dawn

Deep Space

CH2 6NH

04/09/2554

Dear Bungie,

I hate you guys, I really really hate you guys. Do you know how hard it was to get hold of a copy of FIFA '12 when you're in a stasis pod in the middle of deep space? Luckily I sent Guilty Spark to queue up for the midnight opening a few millennia ago. He owes me a favour and now I've got that dodgy you footage of him at the Human-Elite team building barbecue recorded on my visor he's been less backstabby . After half a Strongbow he did his impression of one of the Pillar of Autumn docking into a Ring. I've never been able to eat a hot dog since.

Bungie, have you any idea HOW difficult it is to get Nasri to slice through the Manchester United back four when you've got thumbs like cucumbers. I'm not quite sure why I need an armoured thumb, apart from protecting from trigger chaffing, I don't see the point. No one ever got killed from being shot in the thumb. I know the chaffing is a big issue but I'm pretty sure that cream you put on fat people's thighs will put a stop to that. Johnson used it that time it was really hot, it's pretty good stuff and a lot cheaper.

So can I put in a requestion order for FINGERLESS gloves and some thigh cream. Because I'm playing as Arsenal and I think they really deserve to win something this year, even if its only FIFA.

Yours sincerely

Master chief Petty Officer John 117


	16. Merry Xmas Arbiter

Master Chief

A Stasis Pod

The Rear End of Dawn

Deep Space

CH2 6NH

25/12/2554

Dear Arbiter,

Last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day you gave it away. This year, to save me some tears, I'll give it to Johnson. At least then I might get me some poptarts.

Your Demon. ( Who can't take it anymore, oh and please don't mention this to Cortana, her mind's a little grave as it is. I don;t wanna send her over the edge)

Master chief Petty Officer John 117


	17. Just Dance

Master Chief

A Stasis Pod

The Rear End of Dawn

Deep Space

CH2 6NH

02/02/2554

To the makers of Just Dance 3

No one can disprove I've got the moves like Jagger. I hit that shit like it's a plasma grenade on a mongoose BOOM. I play your game properly. I don't just stand there and wave the controllers around like I'm directing a pelican into land. Not that I ever would. That's the most dangerous job in the UNSC, especially if you've seen Cortana's Parallel parking. That woman's single handed responsible for dropping applications for air traffic control positions by 50%.

But as I was saying when I pick up that WII controller I attract attention. I'm surprised simon cowel's not signed me up yet, cos Master Chief got Talent. No what I'm saying. I can body pop, cha cha slide...do the macarena, and that's not easy when you're armoured up. And UNSC Mjolnir armour is pretty restrictive, I guess that's what makes it so slimming. The control top leg guards make my quads look tasty.

I do however have a slight issue about your song selection. It's not that I dislike the song California Girls its shaking my hips like katy perry isn't appropriate for the UNSC. Especially when you have my abs and have to ride on the back of a mongoose with Johnson. I'm not the Arbiter or Ricky Martin. I can't handle the pressure of being a gay icon. Please can we do some kicks or punches or something?

Yours Sincerely

Master Chief John 117


	18. Thor's Hammer

Master Chief

A Stasis Pod

The Rear End of Dawn

Deep Space

CH2 6NH

06/02/2554

Dear Thor,

I'm sorry I melted your hammer down and made boots out of it. You lost OK Magazine's 'who wears it best' face off to Bob the Builder, so in all honesty I think I did you a favour.

The Arbiter's making me write this, even though I'm deep in stasis, miles away from human civilisation he still finds a way of leaving me bitchy phone messages. But he's right, I only stole your hammer because I was jealous of your luscious blonde locks. When I heard you only used bog standard conditioner, it tipped me over the edge. The troops all know the real reason I won't take off my helmet is that this doo is pretty lame. And those bastards at the UNSC won't pay for a proper hairdresser. My thick, breakable hair needs attention from a trained professional.

And not to sound catty, but it you seem to be rather careless with your weapon of unstoppable power. If you keep losing it then no wonder your dad keeps taking it off you. Anyone tries to steal my gun then they get teabagged, family or not. It's not wrong if you keep your eyes closed and pretend its a girl, as Johnson likes to say.

Anyway I'm sorry I stole your boots and that it took your power yada yada yada.

Master chief Petty Officer John 117

PS Can you have them back? Hell no.


	19. Hunters!

*AUTHORS NOTE This one's for the Brits out there, (and M4GIC OR4NGES. For you Americans Dr Christian presents a show called Super Size Vs Super Skinny, where they make very large and very skinny people swap diets for a week. Keep RNRing guys, cheers for all the ace comments!

Master Chief

A Stasis Pod

The Rear End of Dawn

Deep Space

CH2 6NH

01/03/2554

Dear Dr Christian,

I would really love it if my friends could go on your show. They're an over weight dubstep group called the Hunters. The four of them can beat box fo'snizzle. The Arbiter's always giving them healthy eating advice but those boys munch down anything they can get their hands on. I went to a charity concert they'd arranged in memory of Keynes (so the thieving bastard could pay me back those Microsoft points, just because he's had a horrible and grizzly death does not mean he can welch on a debt) and I had to take a bubble shield to protect me from all the sweat that was raining down. Those fat boys sweat more than Lee Evans in a onesie.

I think that's how the Covenant really took out Reach, just saying.

Anyway I'm pretty sure they might make it big if they ate some cous cous and that Omega 3 shit everyone's always going on about. I read somewhere there's like over 2000 calories in one lame UNSC private, and those Hunters chomp through a fair few of those bad boys through out the course of the day. Plus UNSC Privates are low in good weaponry, which we all know is one of the leading causes of high cholesterol.

Plus once they've lost loads of weight they'll have a proper sob story, which is the main reason why they didn't make it to the XFACTOR boot camp the last two years. Please Doctor Christian, you could really change these four boys lives.

Oh and if you need anybody else for your Embarrassing Bodies series, the Arbiter's feet are scary. I mean really, before you prod those bad boys you'll want your gloves and a HAZMAT suit.

Yours sincerely

Master chief Petty Officer John 117


	20. Author's Note Yawn

*AUTHORS NOTE

Sorry its been a while since my last update, been busy with real life. Here's two to make up for it. The one to the forerunners came from a reader suggestion (Ebullient Ancilla). Keep 'em coming. Cheers for the reads and reviews. Seeing comments and suggestions from you guys gives me the motivation to keep on writing these things. Hope you enjoy the new entries.

Kyia Kenobi


	21. Destroying All Life? Sounds like a Plan!

Master Chief

A Stasis Pod

The Rear End of Dawn

Deep Space

CH2 6NH

06/06/2554

The Forerunners,

Don't get me wrong guys I understand your thinking with this whole ring business. Let's face it, us humans don't exactly have room to talk as our ethos is pretty much 'if it looks like we might lose bomb the shit out of it' . There's a little place on earth called Nagasaki that's got a plague up with that written in Japanese.

I have just two queries:

why the hell didn't you come up with anything better?

What's with leaving it lying around the galaxy so any random dude could set it off?

With number 1, training for dealing with the flood UNSC style consisted of a six week zombie movie marathon so I think I know what I'm talking about. The human race is well prepared for any form of zombie apocalypse whether they involve, earth, space or simon pegg. And not in ONE of those movies, not even in Outbreak, (which lets be fair sucked worse than the Arbiter's Jay-Z impression) did they wipe out all existence. Mostly they just used lots of guns and stuff. Could you not have just done that? It's worked for me so far.

With number 2, the issue with leaving big shiny rings around the galaxy is that literally anyone can come and press a button and destroy all life as we know it. Half my marines think halo is a beyonce song, they could easily mistake the rings for some form of ancient ipod dock. The Covenant are convinced the rings remove all annoying adverts from your web browser, poor misguided fools. If I thought that was a remote possibility I'd chance at irradiating life and activate the rings myself. But I hope you get my point. It's a miracle they've been left alone for this long. Like a really big extremely massive miracle considering all the alien species that wanna get their hands on this technology in comparison to the limited amount of time humans have been space capable. Just saying.

Anyway. If you could answer my queries that would be great. I'm guessing probably not because you were killed by your own stupid rings. Again wouldn't have happened if you'd have just used guns. Oh yeah and why rings, what do you guys have against other shapes. A rhomboid would have been awesome. THE SACRED RHOMBOID.

Yours sincerely

Master chief Petty Officer John 117


	22. Chatroulette

Master Chief

A Stasis Pod

The Rear End of Dawn

Deep Space

CH2 6NH

07/06/2554

Dear Chatroulette,

Now, trapped as I am in a stasis pod in deep space I only use your service to meet interesting and like minded people. Chatroulette was recommenced by Private Johnson who made many such friends over your system so being the pillar of the community that I am I thought it only prudent to check it out.

Now I know some foul minded people (those grunts need to get some pants, just saying) might use your wonderfully innocent system of making friends in new places to... well make friends in new places. But I'm not that kind of guy. If I've encountered some in my thousands of years lost in deep space on Chatroulette, well that's a price I've had to pay.

UNTIL NOW

Chatroulette the same people are starting to show up time and time again. And its the creepy ones, what happened to the hot halo fan girls happy to see 'chief'? I can't take it anymore. The worst one is that 'prophet of truth' dude. He's EVERYWHERE, I can't disconnect fast enough. It's not my fault! My reaction times just haven't been the same since I was frozen in deep stasis. If the mouse is underneath my munchies it could take me as long as two minutes to dig it out. That guy can do a LOT in two minutes. He sits there butt naked except for that purple duvet cover he uses as a cape and a burger king paper crown. I've not been able to eat a whopper in weeks, or milkshake come to think of it.

And can that guy monologue. Luckily my speakers stopped working a few days ago when they had a tragic accident involving my fist or his incessant whining would driven me mad by now.

Chatroulette, for the good of us fighting men everywhere please sort it out, or face the same fate as my speakers.

Yours sincerely

Master chief Petty Officer John 117


End file.
